Ken & Jason don't just TEACH communication. They SHOW it. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ β "We're going to interrogate Jason β β slightly... in a non-aggressive way" β β β β Ken uses: β β β’ Paraphrasing β β β’ Reflecting Back β β β’ Active Listening β β β’ Immediacy β β β β All to draw out Jason's real thoughts. β βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
Why this matters:
If you want to influence, you don't just tell. You extract. You become a miner of insight, not a fountain of your own opinions.
MONOLOGUE DIALOGUE
ββββββββ βββββββ
β’ One-way broadcast β’ Two-way connection
β’ Reading slides β’ Responding to the person
β’ Dry, rigid, forgettable β’ Engaging, alive, memorable
β’ "I don't care if β’ "I'm talking WITH you,
you get this." not AT you."
ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
β This course is DIALOGUE.β
β Ken talks TO YOU, not β
β at a screen. β
ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
The Secret:
Even in a pre-recorded video, you can create dialogue by involving the listener. Ask rhetorical questions, anticipate their thoughts, speak as if to one real person.
Your move:
Next time you present, don't present. Have a conversation with the room.
Before any technique, you need the right INNER STATE. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ β β β π’ AVAILABILITY β β "Am I fully HERE, right now?" β β Empty your mind. Clear the clutter. β β β β π‘ AWARENESS β β "Am I noticing MY internal β β reactions?" β β (Am I planning my response β β instead of listening?) β β β β π΅ UNDIVIDED ATTENTION β β "Is my focus 100% on THEM?" β β Not on my phone. Not on my next β β meeting. Not on what I'll say. β β β ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
Ken's Car Story:
Driving to Glasgow, a friend kept interrupting. Ken reflected back: "It feels like you're somewhere else. Please take a moment and respond." After two minutes of silence, the friend admitted: "I was too busy thinking about what I wanted to say next."
If you're planning your reply, you're not listening. You're waiting to speak.
βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ β β β 1οΈβ£ PARAPHRASING β β "So what I'm hearing you say is..." β β Repeat back in YOUR words. Check understanding. β β β β 2οΈβ£ REFLECTING BACK β β Pick a KEY WORD or PHRASE they used. β β Send it back: "Tactical change?" β β Invites deeper exploration. β β β β 3οΈβ£ ACTIVE LISTENING β β Listen for what's SAID and what's UNSAID. β β Watch for emotional shifts. β β Silence is your ally. β β β β 4οΈβ£ IMMEDIACY β β "It seems like you're really passionate about β β this." β β Name the emotion you observe in the moment. β β Shows deep presence. β β β βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
Demonstration snippet from Ken & Jason:
Jason: "...we had to change our tactic..."
Ken: "Tactical change?" β Reflecting back
Jason: "Yeah, strategy is the constant, tactics adjust..."
Ken: "So you're navigating change while keeping
the big picture steady." β Paraphrasing
Jason: "Exactly."
Ken: "You seem quite comfortable with that."
β Immediacy
Jason: "I've learned change is a friend..."
This simple loop β reflect, paraphrase, notice emotion β keeps the conversation deep and the other person feeling truly heard.
NEGATIVE MOTIVATION POSITIVE MOTIVATION βββββββββββββββββββ ββββββββββββββββββ Focus on what you Focus on what you DON'T WANT. DO WANT. "I don't want to be fat." "I want to be fit & energetic." "I don't want to fail." "I want to succeed & learn." "Don't mess this up!" "Let's nail this!" βββββββββββββββββββββββββββ βββββββββββββββββββββββββββ β Anchored in the PAST. β β Anchored in the FUTURE. β β (Past pain/fear) β β (Vision/hope) β βββββββββββββββββββββββββββ βββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
The Bill Clinton Story:
A woman ranted at him about everything she didn't want. He stopped her: "I've heard what you don't want. Tell me clearly: what DO you want?" She paused, then: "Safer streets for our children. Better jobs. Drug dealers away." Now he had something to work with.
The Bike Analogy:
Riding towards a narrow gate. There's a rock in the middle. Think: "DON'T hit the rock!" β You hit the rock. Think: "Get through to the other side." β You glide right through. What you focus on, you move towards.
As a leader, reframe:
βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ β β β 1οΈβ£ HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT β β Your language sets the climate. β β Positive words β positive soil β growth. β β "Everything about me says something." β β β β 2οΈβ£ CLARITY & DIRECTION β β People can't follow a fog. β β Vision β Mission β Strategy β clear path. β β β β 3οΈβ£ EMPOWERMENT β β Clarity puts tools in people's hands. β β They know what to do and they do it. β β β β 4οΈβ£ CONFIDENCE β β Clear communication builds certainty. β β "I haven't lost my confidence, β β I've cast it aside. I can pick it up." β β β β 5οΈβ£ REST β β When direction is clear, people stop β β overworking from anxiety. They rest. β β β βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
The "One Sentence" Check:
Before any important communication, write:
"What is the ONE thing I need them to understand?"
Not ten points. One.
Then everything else serves that one.
These happen INSIDE people's heads. Yours AND theirs. They distort the message before it even lands. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ β β β 𧱠MENTAL FILTERING β β New info must pass through old beliefs. β β "I've seen leaders like you before..." β β β β π·οΈ GENERALISING / LABELLING β β "All politicians are liars." β β "Managers only care about targets." β β (Ken's soldier story: same label, β β different reactions in different towns.) β β β β β«βͺ BLACK & WHITE THINKING β β "My way is the ONLY way." β β "If it's not perfect, it's useless." β β (Forgets there's a whole mountain.) β β β β ποΈ DISQUALIFYING THE GOOD β β 99 things went right, 1 went wrong. β β Focus entirely on the 1. β β "Yeah, but you didn't do X..." β β β β π JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS β β Assumes the worst without checking. β β Fills in gaps with fear, not facts. β β β β π’ EMOTIONAL REASONING β β "I feel it, so it must be true." β β Feelings change. Facts don't. β β Never make decisions solely on emotion. β β β β π RIGID RULE KEEPING β β Rules > Common sense. β β "Policy says..." even when it hurts people. β β β β π UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS β β Disappointment = Expectations minus Reality. β β Manage expectations (yours & theirs). β β β β πͺοΈ CATASTROPHISING β β One setback = total disaster. β β "It's all over!" β β β ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
Why a leader must know these:
When someone reacts badly, they're likely caught in one of these. Your job isn't to say "You're distorting!" It's to gently reframe using your 4 core skills.
After a significant, challenging conversation, take 10 minutes and ask yourself: ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ β 1. What did I HEAR and SEE? β β 2. What was I THINKING during it? β β 3. What FEELINGS came up in me? β β 4. What OPINIONS / BIASES was I holding? β β 5. What RESPONSE OPTIONS did I have? β β Which one did I choose? Why? β β 6. What was my INTENTION before I spoke? β β 7. What did I actually SAY and DO? β β 8. Would I like to be spoken to that way? β β 9. What EFFECT did my response have? β β10. How would I do it DIFFERENTLY now? β β11. What ASSUMPTIONS drove my response? β β12. Was my agenda to empower or to control? β ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
This is brutal honesty with yourself.
No one else needs to see it.
But if you do this regularly, your self-awareness β and your communication β will transform.
βββββββββββββββ
β STANDARD β Availability, Awareness, Attention
ββββββββ¬βββββββ
β
βΌ
βββββββββββββββ
β SKILLS β Paraphrase, Reflect, Listen Actively, Immediacy
ββββββββ¬βββββββ
β
βΌ
βββββββββββββββ
β REFRAME β Negative β Positive motivation
β β "What DO you want?"
ββββββββ¬βββββββ
β
βΌ
βββββββββββββββ
β NOTICE β Spot cognitive distortions
β DISTORTIONSβ (in yourself first, then others)
ββββββββ¬βββββββ
β
βΌ
βββββββββββββββ
β CREATE β Healthy environment, clarity,
β CONDITIONS β empowerment, confidence, rest
βββββββββββββββ
THE ULTIMATE TEST:
"Would I want to be spoken to
the way I just spoke to them?"
If not, you have work to do.
And that's okay. We're all learning.